The last 24 hours has been a little rough. Todd and I have been praying for an answer for something and we both went to the temple this weekend. It felt nice to go to the temple since it's been a while since I last went, but I still didn't get any impression as to what we should do. I don't always get an impression, so I didn't think anything of it. Todd, on the other hand, received a very powerful revelation as to what should be done. I trust it, and him, and I'm ok with the decision. I've always felt that Todd was more in tune with the spirit, so it didn't really surprise me that he would receive an answer. The thing that was hard was that I didn't feel anything.
It's not a jealousy thing, but a unworthy feeling kind of thing. I felt horrible after he told me of his experience. We both went to the temple with the same question, yet our experiences were vastly different. Why couldn't I receive the same personal revelation? What am I doing wrong? Why couldn't I feel the spirit? I knew I had things that I could improve on, but was I just not worthy? Had the spirit tried to give me an answer too, but I just wasn't in tune enough to see it? With my busy schedule, not spending as much time with the kids, doing it all on my own while Todd is gone and already knowing that I have a lot of things that I could improve on, it just made me feel really low.
I tried not to think about it today, but different things throughout the day made it hard not to think about. I did pretty well until the last hour where a couple of people could tell that something was bothering me.
I don't know how to get over this feeling that I'm inadequate. Yes, there are good things about me, but there are also things that I'm not doing as well as I should. I know that I can continue praying to try to receive my own revelation about it, but it's hard to feel like there's a point to doing it now. If Heavenly Father only answered one of us before, why should I keep asking?
Again, I am not angry or resentful. (I know that when reading, it's hard to always understand what emotion is behind the writing.) I just feel sad. I know that all I can do is try to read my scriptures more and keep praying and hopefully I'll be able to over come this feeling soon.
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Consider yourself hugged :)
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated the hug at church, too. :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel the same way myself. Thinking about the trip to the temple though, I don't think you had an ample amount of time to ponder through a big decision. You really had no time to think for yourself . . . .not even in the temple!!! If I had known you were going to the temple for a specific reason I might have been less trivial on the drive to and from (sorry for that!) and worrying about being late to pick up kids and eating and shopping and everything!!! . . . . Todd probably was able to go to the temple pondering . . . have his own time and also spend as much time as he liked IN the temple. TOTALLY different than your experience.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself a hug from me!!! You are an awesome person, and sorry you feel sad.
I didn't go there with a certain purpose, just something I've been thinking about lately and thought that I'd ponder while there. I knew I didn't have a lot of time, and I really didn't expect much; I just found it hard to focus. I think it just shocked me how different our experiences were. That it could be so strong for him and yet, little time or no, nothing for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm over it though. I feel good about the decision, so either way, I guess it really doesn't matter if the answer came to us both or not.
Thanks for the hug! ;o)