Last essay

My final essay in my English class is a narrative essay. I'm a little nervous about this one because I don't consider myself a 'writer.' I like the technical part of writing, but the fact that one person can like something and someone else may not like it drives me crazy. I want it right or wrong. I've done very well on my essays, but I'm not a person who has always wanted to write and spends my free time writing poems or anything. I'm likely misguided, but that's still how I see writers.
Anyway, back to the narrative essay. This one is different because I don't have to do any research for it; it will come from my experience. That sounds like it should be easier, but it has to be more than just telling a story; it has to have a 'bigger' reason behind telling it. I've decided to write about my experience being a mom of seven and how that is perceived by people . . . in 750 words.
If all goes well, meaning my teacher actually thinks that it is good :), I will try to submit my essay for publication. (Not anything big, just a local column in a paper that publishes essays.) As long as it's not bad, I'll probably post it here on my blog, too. Mainly because I need to post more, but also because I figure this is the kind of thing someone would post on a blog. Right?

A Box of Crackers

I woke up this morning and found that I've lost 2 lbs! That's a large box of crackers! (I know that's silly, but I like to visualize things.) Understandably, I'm pretty excited.

Since moving here, I'd put on about 10 lbs., and it seemed like half of those I put on since I found out that Todd and I would be going to the Air Force JAG dining out. So, instead of really getting to work and losing weight, I ended up gaining weight! Now my goal is to try to get back to what I was when I originally wanted to lose the weight before the April 8th dinner.

I'm a little upset at myself, but I'm on the right track now. Having my spring break has really helped, since I actually have some real 'free' time. Hopefully I'll be able to keep this going.

Orange sweater

For the last 5 or 6 years, I have been wanting an orange sweater, but I had very specific ideas of what it should look like. I wanted a long sleeved, hooded, knit sweater, and I wanted it to be a certain shade of orange. I've looked in stores and online, but I never found anything that was right. I found orange sweatshirt hoodies, orange knit sweaters with short sleeves or the sweater itself was too short, orange knit sweaters with no hood, or perfect sweaters in EVERY color of the rainbow except for orange. I began to think my sweater didn't exist.

Well, last fall I found my orange sweater. When I was outside waiting to pick my kids up from school, I saw my friend, Rebekah, wearing 'my' orange sweater. (It still wasn't exact, the shade was slightly different, but pretty darn close.) Naturally, I asked her where she bought it, but it was a while ago, so the store no longer had them. I just resigned myself to the fact that I may never get my perfect orange sweater.

Then, last night, Rebekah asked me if I ever got the orange sweater that her husband gave to Todd. . . . What?! I was so excited! She was giving me her orange sweater?! I told her that, no, I hadn't gotten it, otherwise I definitely would have said something to her. She said that she had her husband give it to Todd back before Christmas! I called Todd to see if he had ever gotten it, and he didn't remember getting it. Gary, her husband, said that he remembered giving it to Todd. Where was my sweater?! We thought that maybe it was left at the church, so today, after church was over, I went to the lost and found to look for it, AND IT WAS THERE!!! I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking, 'Really? All this for a sweater?'

(Like I said, the color isn't the exact shade

I wanted, and it's really hard to tell the color

from the picture, but I love it.)

Well, maybe it doesn't make much sense to others, but I am SO excited to have my sweater! :)

Observation

I think I'm a pretty nice person. I always try to be nice to others, not put people down, and I try to never be condescending to people or make myself sound better than them (not too hard, since I'm usually not). Yet, there have been a couple of times during the last couple of semesters that I can tell that people think I'm acting like I'm better than them. (Who knows, maybe elsewhere, but this is where I've really noticed it.)

If I answer too many questions, if I try to explain why I think something is a certain way, or if I just do well, there's always someone who doesn't like it. Instead of people thinking, 'wow, good job', there are always those who think, 'she thinks she's so great' or 'she thinks she's better than me'. On the contrary. I don't think about them at all. What they don't seem to get is that I don't care if they do or don't understand the material; I don't care if they do or don't do well. If they do - great, good for them, I'm happy. But I'm there for me. I ask and answer questions because I want to learn. I work hard and try to do my best because I want to make sure I really understand everything that I'm being taught, not just enough to get by. I don't do any of it to make myself seem better than others. Yet, that's the way it's perceived.

But I realize that, to some extent, this is human nature. How many times do we see someone who seems perfect--perfect children, they never seem to get angry, beautiful house that's clean all of the time, smart, talented--yet, instead of thinking, 'wow, good job', we think, 'she's so perfect' and try to find some kind of flaw in the person. I try not to, but I know I'm guilty of that. Why can't we be happy for others and cheer them on for being somewhere that we hope to be someday.

Feeling down

The last 24 hours has been a little rough. Todd and I have been praying for an answer for something and we both went to the temple this weekend. It felt nice to go to the temple since it's been a while since I last went, but I still didn't get any impression as to what we should do. I don't always get an impression, so I didn't think anything of it. Todd, on the other hand, received a very powerful revelation as to what should be done. I trust it, and him, and I'm ok with the decision. I've always felt that Todd was more in tune with the spirit, so it didn't really surprise me that he would receive an answer. The thing that was hard was that I didn't feel anything.

It's not a jealousy thing, but a unworthy feeling kind of thing. I felt horrible after he told me of his experience. We both went to the temple with the same question, yet our experiences were vastly different. Why couldn't I receive the same personal revelation? What am I doing wrong? Why couldn't I feel the spirit? I knew I had things that I could improve on, but was I just not worthy? Had the spirit tried to give me an answer too, but I just wasn't in tune enough to see it? With my busy schedule, not spending as much time with the kids, doing it all on my own while Todd is gone and already knowing that I have a lot of things that I could improve on, it just made me feel really low.

I tried not to think about it today, but different things throughout the day made it hard not to think about. I did pretty well until the last hour where a couple of people could tell that something was bothering me.

I don't know how to get over this feeling that I'm inadequate. Yes, there are good things about me, but there are also things that I'm not doing as well as I should. I know that I can continue praying to try to receive my own revelation about it, but it's hard to feel like there's a point to doing it now. If Heavenly Father only answered one of us before, why should I keep asking?

Again, I am not angry or resentful. (I know that when reading, it's hard to always understand what emotion is behind the writing.) I just feel sad. I know that all I can do is try to read my scriptures more and keep praying and hopefully I'll be able to over come this feeling soon.

More motivation

I just got an email from Todd with a 'save the date' for a JAG Dining Out. Since Todd has been in the service, we really haven't had the chance to go to any of these kinds of things, so I'm excited to have a reason to get dressed up. The problem is what to wear. Do I have anything super formal to wear? Will it fit me? Do I buy something just to have it (hopefully) not fit me in a few more months when I've gotten back down to size?

I don't know what I'll find to wear, but I do know that I now have more motivation to make sure I eat well and get on my treadmill. I have less than 2 months. If any of you DC people know of a good place to get modest formal dresses, pass it on. (Or I might just come check out some of your closets.) :)

Feeling the itch

I haven't run more than a couple of times since we moved to MD, and it's a little depressing. I went from looking forward to my runs, to dreading the idea. (Wasn't I just in the same situation a year ago?!) I know that I have some good excuses (Todd's schedule, my going back to school), but they're still excuses. I feel better when I run. I have more energy and feel better prepared to take on the challenges.

Well, yesterday was a BEAUTIFUL day. I saw so many people out running, and now I have the itch. (Plus my scale has been angry at me lately.) I might not always be able to get outside, but I'm going to at least get on the treadmill 5 days/week. I don't know when, but I'm seriously contemplating doing it in the morning. I know, I know! Me, who is so not a morning person, get up earlier than I have to?! Well, I got up an hour earlier this morning to take Nathaniel to volleyball practice and you know what? It didn't kill me. My goal is to get an early run in 3 days/week. Then I'll only have to worry about when to do it on 2 other days.

Let's see how long I can make it last. Who knows, maybe I could turn myself into a morning person . . .